doin' the butt

Doing the Butt

“When you get that notion, put your back field in motion…” – EU, “Da’ Butt”

Anal sex, oi! It’s a subject many people think about but very few will talk about. Merely the idea of a person’s asshole is upsetting to all the senses. It’s not a pleasing part of the body to look at. It isn’t smooth to the touch like skin or hair. Even the words “anal” and “anus” contort the mouth when said and are not pleasing to the ears (kind of like saying the word “vagina” out loud, only even more awkward).

Maybe the best way to start a healthy dialogue about this subject is by referring to it by its cuter, friendlier name: butt sex. Say the word “butt”, and a flood of funny images come to mind, none of which will make you uneasy. Much better!

There are far too many misconceptions that fly around about having butt sex that prevent people from experiencing this most enjoyable bedroom activity. If “Family Feud” were to take a survey of 100 people, the top three would most likely be:

It will hurt.
It smells bad.
It’s full of poo.

It will hurt. – Many things cause pain if they’re not done with care. Jogging can wreck your knees. Helping a friend move can destroy your back. Even vaginal sex can hurt if you’re not fully aroused. There are surefire ways to have butt sex in which you’ll experience all the pleasure and none of the pain.

It smells bad. – Again, lots of things smell bad. I’d imagine many of your apartments or cars smell bad yet you continue to live in them unaffected. Yet, anyone that showers regularly and washes their crack with soap probably has a very clean rectum (if not, do you really want to be having sex with that person?).

It’s full of poo. – Nonsense! That’s just Christian conservative propaganda, trying to brainwash the masses through television. No one should believe everything they see on TV. For ugly people, it might be a place of some unpleasantness, but for beautiful people, especially for girls, it is the place where food is changed into love and sex. Don’t believe me? You’re a product of the lie. I swear I’m not talking out of my ass.

So many people, people you would never think to be into kinky sex, are down with the butt (one person I talked to about this article was a mother of two; you go, momma!). What draws them to this? Perhaps some repressed instinct hanging around from the Roman days when men would routinely bun each other before going to battle…. (research history, bring it to gay sex, talk about shopping buddies)

Butt sex has benefits that far outweigh any reservations you might have. For guys, I know the idea of fucking a tighter hole gets you sprung (I wish I had a camera for every time I mentioned butt sex to a male friend; their eyes widen and their pupils shrink like they’re imagining ecstasy or strippers or both). You know you want it. And ladies, not only is butt sex one way to have sex with zero fear of pregnancy (although there still are those pesky STDs), but all of your nerve endings are in your ass. Unlike your clit or g-spot, which is tied to your body’s major nerves, you bum is connected to ALL your nerves, from the ones in your pretty ears to the ones in your baby toes. Done correctly, and you’re looking at one of the most intense orgasms you’ll ever experience, one you’ll feel through every inch of skin, every vein and artery, every organ, literally every single spot in your entire body.

Okay, so if you’re still reading, maybe your curiosity has been peaked (hell, if you’re reading this on the Supercult web site, you must have a healthy amount of sexual curiosity). Maybe you might even be thinking, what the hell, I’m game for a new experience. Well, before you throw all caution to the wind, turn around, and stick it out, there are a few simple rules of thumb you should follow.

1. LUBE! LUBE! LUBE! – Did I mention the fact that you need lube? I can’t stress enough this point enough. One’s bum hole does not secrete the kind of natural lubrication that a girl’s vag does when it gets excited, so you have to use something to prevent pain chaffing. I think Astroglide is the “industry-standard”, but any thick and slippery substance will work: body lotion, a little saliva, even cooking oil, I guess (although I’ve never heard of anyone that desperate). Guys, definitely lube up your dick really well!

2. Priming the pump – One’s sphincter (or, as you probably know it, ass muscle) has the ability to stretch quite far, though it takes a little longer to get loose than a vagina. Think about when you’re getting out poo. If you just try to bear down and force it out, it can be very painful, sometimes causing tearing and bleeding. The same idea goes with getting something in. Guys, you can’t simply ram it in your lady’s rump; it’ll hurt her way too much, and you’ll never get to try again. To get her ready for your huge cock, you need to begin slowly and gently. Start by rubbing a little lube on her butt hole. Then, work some around the rim. Finally, and this is key, you have to stick your finger up her butt to lube it inside. (you’ll finger her crotch to get her ready; you have to finger her ass). Go in slowly, work it slowly. Slowly, but surely; you’ll get there.

If you’re feeling really kinky, you could try licking her butt hole. I’m sure some of you are cringing at the thought but know that it feels pretty wonderful (kind of like sitting against a water jet in a hot tub) AND it’s a great sign of commitment and trust to your lady-friend that you’re willing to do that. But this is one place where you fellas make the call.

3. Position – One of the biggest problems people have when they first start trying to have butt sex is they assume it should be done doggy-style. This is probably the single reason people hurt themselves and where the rumor got started that butt sex hurts. The best position to start with involves the girl lying on her back, legs kicked back with her feet by her head. Then, the guy either leans over her or kneels from behind (see drawings).

This position gives the guy a better angle to go straight in and less chance to mess things up. Also, it is much more intimate and less animalistic than doing it from behind. You can look in each other’s eyes and have a better line of communication for how you’re feeling. And ladies, you can watch your man make the most amazing, pathetic sex faces (you know what I’m talking about). He’ll be loving it, and you’ll love watching him.

4. All clear for take-off – Okay guys, just before you venture into the undiscovered country, when she’s lying on her back and ready to go, make sure you ask her if she’s okay. Ladies, he may be the one driving, but you are the captain of this ship. Nothing goes down unless you say so. But once you get the green light, fellas, don’t just go for broke. Ease in slowly and then stop. Her ass is going to need to adjust to this thing that just went in her. Make sure she’s okay again. If so, wait another half second, and proceed slowly. This is going to take some self-control on your part, guys. The tendency to get over-excited and ram too fast will be there; don’t do it!

Ladies, the best way I can describe the first time is like something is going in the out door. It doesn’t feel painful, per say, just kind of weird. If this is the case, stick with it. I’m assuming you didn’t come the first time you had vaginal sex (most girls didn’t), so you might not come the first time you have butt sex. Women have to develop their erogenous zones, and, as with just about everything, practice makes perfect. If at first you don’t succeed, you can always try, try again. Eventually, your body will get the hang of it, and when it does, watch out!

However, that doesn’t mean you need to take one for the team so your man can come the first time, either. Don’t be afraid to say, “Hey, I need to stop.” If he hasn’t come yet, you can always go back to the front door, just be sure to use a new condom before going there. The magic and love that lives in your bum is very happy being there but can give you one hell of an infection if they come in contact with you vag. Bum magic does not play well with others.

And if you’re really not into it, that’s cool, too. It’s all about knowing what works for you and what you are comfortable with. Just be able to communicate these things to your partner, and be happy together. Good luck!