women don't let it go to the big o

Friends with Benefits

A few weeks ago, I was hanging out with a buddy of mine, when he said to me, “So, Kristin Forbes, how long have you been single?”

“Well,” I replied matter-of-factly. “On and off, my whole life.”

“Okay, so can I ask you something? Is it possible to hang out with somebody and go out sometimes but…. See, there’s this girl I’ve been spending a lot of time with…. but I DON’T want a girlfriend!”

I nodded my head. “So, basically, what you’re saying is you want a girl that you go out with occasionally, have sex with, but not be your girlfriend?”

“Exactly.”

Exactly what he was referring to was treading the thin ice of being friends with benefits, that utopia of sexual relationships, always seemingly better in theory than in practice. How we strive to find those partners and keep things casual, only to get hurt or hurt someone unwillingly.

Yet, those relationships are continually attractive, and when they start, you think you’ve got it made. You always feel free to be yourself when the two of you are together because you’re not worried about how to impress your mate. You’re not overly concerned with how he or she is feeling, and there is no fear of commitment, so it’s nothing but laughs. You hang out a lot, you have sex a lot. And the sex is usually great, because you both are very comfortable with each other.

But right about the time the sex starts rocking your world, the relationship becomes an avalanche of bad vibes. Things start changing, getting heavier. Suddenly, there are less good times and more tears and trampled feelings. What the hell happened?

Fellas, I’ll let you in on a little secret into female anatomy: your lady friend had an orgasm. And while you pat yourself on the back and she lay there twitching like a fish out of water, internally her body chemistry was swimming in hormones.

Each of our bodies is like our own private chemistry lab. Chemical reactions occur with just about everything we do: eat, sleep, exercise, etc. The same holds true every time we have an orgasm. Upon climax, our bodies secrete two neurohormones into the bloodstream, vasopressin and oxytocin, which are particularly dominant in monogamous species. With the influx of these chemicals, combined with the intensely intimate act of sex, when a woman has an orgasm, chemically her body is telling her she is in love.

I know this might sound a little crazy, but new scientific theories tend to shake up the status quo until proof comes along, and then they are fully accepted. It’s one reason I’m a huge science admirer, though not very scientifically-minded.

In college, I had to fulfill two science requirements, and for one I chose BIO 214: Sex & Reproduction. I thought it was going to be easy, just sitting around watching a bunch of videos on premature ejaculation, but I damn near failed when it turned out to be all hormones and receptors and biology. I did get a great textbook that’s helped with all kinds of questions on sex over the years. And when looking for concrete proof on my orgasm theory, I went straight to its text:

Most men experience orgasm when they ejaculate, whereas fewer than half of American women experience orgasm each time they have sex. A vast majority of women do not have orgasm unless they receive effective clitoral stimulation, and one idea is that only a man that is caring, knowledgeable, and sensitive can assist orgasm in their partner. The orgasmic response in the woman would then be a reward to the man; i.e., make sex more pleasurable for him. Thus, a pair bond based on caring, sensitivity, and pleasure is mediated at least partially by female orgasm. Female orgasm then may have evolved as a mechanism of mate choice, ensuring that a woman’s long-term partner is sensitive to her needs (sexual and otherwise) and will be a good provider for their offspring. (Taken from Human Reproductive Biology, 2nd Ed, by Richard E. Jones)

Somehow, men are better at distancing themselves from their emotions than women after achieving orgasm. Why is that? The answer lies in one of the fundamental principles of evolutionary biology. On a very basic, even cellular level, the purpose of life is to reproduce, to pass genes to an offspring so that one’s traits might go on after the parent is dead.

Our evolution started back in caveman days, when the elements still posed a threat to our very existence. Women only have the opportunity to conceive once a month and reproduce every nine months, so they would choose their mates carefully, as they needed someone to protect them from all the lions and tigers and bears that could potentially kill them while they were pregnant and caring for young children. Men, on the other hand, can reproduce many times with multiple partners, and therefore are not as concerned about committing to one partner. However, a man won’t completely neglect a woman carrying his child, because if that woman and her child were to be killed, his genes would not be passed on. Therefore, he will provide some care, just not the monogamous care a woman desires.

As we have evolved intellectually and socially beyond lions and tigers and bears, so too have our sexual traits evolved. We are not solely thinking about procreating every time we go to bed with someone, but our bodies still react in similar ways.

So, as women, what do we do to keep things fun without falling victim to heartbreak? A few things have worked for me over the years:

1. Continually remind yourself what you’re feeling is only chemical. It sounds heartless, but honestly there isn’t supposed to be a lot of heart involved in those kinds of relationships. There is care and concern, as there is between good friends, but it’s not a relationship established to blossom into love. Sometimes it does, and that’s great. But do not make the mistake of diluting yourself into believing some guy is in love with you just because you’re sleeping with him. Just be aware that, no matter what you say to yourself, your body will be longing for the guy that got you off, and that’s exactly who he is: the guy that got you off. Think of him as a vibrator with ears.

2. Indulge yourself in some of the perks of dating. So, this guy’s not your boyfriend. That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy some fun things that come along with having one. Make him take you out and pay for your drinks. Invite him to take a shower with you in the morning, maybe get him to cook you breakfast. Just be sure to push him out the door (or be out of his place) sometime by early-afternoon. Any longer, and things start to turn domestic.

3. Treat yourself. I know for me that even though I can tell myself I’m not in love until the words ring in my ears, while my body’s still crawling with hormones, it’s easier said than done. I often try and prolong those chemical feelings or just do things to make myself feel good. Sometimes I’ll go shopping and buy myself new clothes or jewelry, other times I’ll get my hair done and give myself a facial. I almost always take in a good meal (as nothing comforts like food) and follow with some chocolate (as chocolate has many of the same chemicals your body produces when you are in love).

4. Spend time with people who really love you. Make sure to call a girlfriend or hang with a roommate, and gab, gab, gab ‘cause those are the people who genuinely care.
For you men folk, I can imagine you’re having a reaction similar to the one my friend had: does this mean that every time I bring a woman to orgasm I have to worry about her falling in love with me? Well, yes and no. If she’s someone who’s been around the way, she’ll be less likely to tell herself that your sex is anything more than sex. If she’s young (i.e. in college), tread lightly. For girls that age, casual sex is a new and exciting adventure, and while they are usually up for anything, they tend to get hurt more easily.

I guess the best advice I can offer to you guys is, if you want that kind of relationship, be up front with your partner. Let her know you’re not looking for a huge, heavy commitment, but if she just wants to have fun, you’re game. Be kind and call from time to time (although I wouldn’t recommend having long phone conversations; that’s a boyfriend action). After sex, know her body is craving affection, so cuddle with her a little before you pass out. Above all, be honest. Keep the lines of communication open, and don’t be shy about reminding her that you’re not her boyfriend. If things start to get too heavy and you want to jump ship, have the decency to tell her it’s not working. To this day, as it did when I was 19, nothing hurts more than when a guy simply vanishes into thin air, stops taking my calls, and doesn’t tell me why. You can be just friends without being a douche bag. Just be happy, everyone. Good luck!